hotline

So Mary and Rob decided to talk to me about the ethics hotline.  Mary said I should call in.  I told her that I was uncomfortable with doing that.  Stephanie has many people higher up who is part of her "army" and will protect her. Then it will all just come down on me.  They will know it is me and I will be attacked from all sides.  Stephanie has said that if anyone comes up against her, they will not stand a chance. She is stealthier than anyone and is always 5 steps ahead of them.  So hell no, not going to be me.  while this job has given me horrible anxiety, stress, depression, etc, I still need it to survive and my daughter to be ok.  So no, not going to be me. 
I told her she was ok with doing it, she needed to do what she felt was going to be ok. She was on a totally different group and outside of Andy.  So retaliation would not be that bad on her.  And with Rob gone, they will not be able to take it out on him.  I am still terrified that if she does it, it will come down on me as well.  I do not want the wrath of stephanie on me. I wish I could give her more support.  Maybe Randy can support her since he doesn't like stephanie either.  I don't know how sue feels about her.
What she did to Rob and Mary is pretty bad.  I totally get where they are coming from. I am fearful for the flood that will happen from it.  Or maybe nothing at all will happen with it.  Stephanie has anyone in senior level on her side.  At least that is what she says.  She has talked to Jessica about who to get on your side and the importance of it.  Andy's admin (actually all admins cause they know things), Andy, HR, Todd and any other senior managers.  Why the Admin?  Cause she can tell you who is meeting with Andy and about what, or moving people around to get you in to see him before someone else says something bad.  Control the people who will control the narrative is what she said. We don't really have an HR person right now, or do we? I don't really know.  Meredith left. So we are pretty much alone here. 
At times, I see a good side to Stephanie.  I really do.  I like to believe that is who she truly is.  I want to see the good in people. We are only human and we mess up and we have bad days.  I feel like this stress is causing me to not have good days but I am trying.  Back on anti anxiety medication and thinking about seeing someone for depression which is making me irritable, but that is the part about being human.  This stuff really effects you mentally, spiritually and hell, even physically.  My panic attacks are overwhelming right now and I just cry.  I am not a crier yet here I am. But I do see her being nice from time to time.  Maybe if she doesn't feel like she is being attacked, she will be nicer overall.  I know it would do that for me.  Like the cause and effect, if I go out of my way to be nicer, don't support people who are attacking her, maybe she will be nicer to me, which will ease my tensions and I will be happier. It gets to you!  It tears you down!  It destroys you.  I want to be a better person so if she stops attacking me because I support her, then maybe it will be a positive effect on me.
But I can't stop Mary and Rob from doing what they feel they need to do.  It isn't like we have HR to go to or I should say them.  I don't want the retaliation from it.