abused puppy

Sometimes I feel like an abused puppy.  You get beat down and beat down and beat down, you think someone hates you and then all of a sudden, they do something nice for you.  saying she defended you in a meeting and she always has your back.  ok.  you crave for her to like you and to be a part of the inner group.  then you get beat down again and realize it isn't true.  you are not sure what part of the "good" is even true. Saying that the Microsoft true up shouldn't be yours and you should not be responsible for collecting the numbers and training the other managers on how to do their counts, etc and she wants to take it away from you. I just saved 1.5 million by doing that, by being the person who works with the other teams to collect the counts and training them on what counts and what doesn't count.  I love doing it.  Sure, Maurice might not understand who the numbers get to be where they are and they take time to get there, but that is ok. I know we started out over 3 mill before me working with the teams.  I am just happy knowing that I was able to reduce that by half.  Yeah, I hear from her she is defending me, awesome.  great, I feel like I need to beg for attention.  just horrible.  Jason couldn't careless and is as distance as he could be.  He still thinks ITAM is not important and is always rolling his eyes. like no one at the restaurant thinks the dishwasher is important until they are gone..then everyone is sick from food poisoning.
Anyway, when she says good job, awesome...I want more of that. I also know that I want to do more but I am not allowed to do more. I am not allowed to speak to other teams about new ideas or projects. She makes it clear that I will never grow within the company unless she allows it.  by clear, I mean saying it to my face. One second I was happy, then I was pushed right back to reality. she only had my back when it is connected to her back.